How to Say 'No' To Others, and 'Yes' To Yourself

Struggling to say 'No' is a challenge that we commonly see with our clients at Fresh Start. It takes focus and commitment to get the best long-term results after WLS, and being able to say 'No' so that you're able to prioritise your health and new lifestyle is a skill that needs to be practiced and learnt.

• People pleasing…
• Efficiency and productivity…
• Being nice, kind and supportive…
• Avoiding conflict…
• Time saving…
• Cultural or social beliefs around respect and rudeness…

There are so many reasons and internal justifications why people say ‘Yes’ when they really want to say ‘No’, and there are just as many impacts in the short and long term. On the positive side we get to feel helpful, useful, like a good friend, parent, sibling, employee… and on the flip side we might find ourselves being pulled in multiple directions, overwhelmed with things on our own ‘To Do’ list that we just aren’t getting to because we’re losing time, energy and focus completing things on someone else’s ‘To Do’ list! 

Not feeling comfortable saying ‘No’ to others can also mean that we end up neglecting our own priorities, needs and often our health. It means we're putting our dreams and desires on hold, and we don’t get to experience that wonderful feeling of completing a goal, project or task often enough, or perhaps we might end up not actually having time to focus on movement, healthy food prep or time to relax and unwind.

So how can you feel more confident with saying ‘No’ to others? Here’s a 6-step process:

1. Recognise the positive intention

A great starting point is to firstly appreciate that this behaviour of saying ‘Yes’ when you want to say ‘No’ is coming from a good, kind, positive place. Maybe it’s about helping others, or being a supportive person in your family, social or work environment, or it’s about getting approval and love, or it’s about rescuing people who seem to need assistance. These are generous and loving approaches to others!

At the same time, if you’re constantly saying ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’, then it’s not actually serving you or the other person in the long-term. It can create burnout, resentment, overwhelm, frustration and more in you… and learned helplessness, victim-hood, low resilience, low self-efficacy and more in the other person. 

2. Identify your inner signpost

So, taking that awareness of the positive intention and the not-so-positive long-term impact, let's dive a little deeper into what’s really going on when we don’t or can’t say ‘No’, and say ‘Yes’ instead. 

Usually when there's something we want to say 'No' to and we say 'Yes', we’ll get some kind of internal sign or signal to tell us that ‘maybe this isn’t a good idea’. Often that signal comes in the form of a feeling, or a voice in your head. Maybe you get an uneasy feeling in your gut, or a resentful sensation in your throat where you wish you’d said something other than ‘Yes’. It may be a tightness in your jaw, or a nauseous and trapped tension in your chest… or something else. 

You can feel into that now by asking yourself ‘How do I feel when I’m asked something that I want to say 'No' to?’ 

Notice where you feel that in your body. It might help to think of a time in the past when you wanted to say ‘No’ to something someone asked of you, but said ‘Yes’ instead.

Getting clarity on that inner signal, and its physical location within you, no matter how subtle it is, is a powerful alert that you can be aware of in the gap between the request and your response. It’s like a little signpost that tells you ‘Wait! You really want to say ‘No’ to this’...’, and having that awareness can create some spaciousness to respond in a different way (we’ll come to those options later!).

3. What else are you silently saying?

Bear in mind as well, that when we say ‘Yes’ to someone else, we are also saying a silent ‘No’ in that very same moment. They are two sides of the same coin that co-exist at the same time. Likewise, when we say ‘No’ to someone else, we are also at that moment saying a silent ‘Yes’.

When we choose to say 'Yes' to others, when we need or want to to say 'No', we are also saying 'No' to ourselves - our dreams, our goals, our priorities... potentially our health and happiness. We’re saying ‘Yes’ to the long-term consequences of that choice also.

When we choose to say ‘No’ to others, we are also saying ‘Yes’ to ourselves and what we would like to do or that would be meaningful for us, to move our lives forward.

4. Reflect on the long-term consequences

Spreading ourselves thinly by being the people-pleaser or the conflict-avoider often means that there can simply be too much to do. We might have multiple focuses and priorities but we’ll be unlikely to do any of them particularly well, or as well as we would like to. It’s like having a row of buckets that you have to fill up, but rather than focusing on one at a time, you put a little bit of water in one, then run to another and put some water in that one, then maybe briefly back to the first bucket, before racing to put some water in a totally different bucket. You’re doing as much as you can before the water in your hose runs out and you collapse in a tired, overwhelmed and frustrated heap! No bucket gets filled, or if it does you don’t have any time to acknowledge it before the next bucket needs some attention. Every bucket is somewhat full, none are completely full... or it takes a much longer time than expected to fill just one.

Grab a pen and complete the following reflection for 5 minutes with as many examples as you can think of:

1. When I say Yes’ to (someone else’s agenda) e.g. lift requests from my neighbour; extra tasks from colleagues; over-supporting family etc… 

2. I’m also saying ‘No’ to (stealing time and focus away from) e.g. time with myself and my loved ones; energy to focus on my health goals; giving others the opportunity to develop skills and resilience, and receive invaluable learnings…

Once you’re done, spend a few more minutes considering how ‘okay’ you are with those choices, putting it into the context of - 

On my deathbed... will I be happy that I invested my precious and limited time and energy in this way?

You may feel happy that you helped people and made a difference in people's lives... and, at the same time, will you be happy about the time and energy that you gave yourself? Something to think about.

5. Give yourself permission

It's okay to say no, and now that you’re an adult you can give yourself permission to say it to anyone you want. 

‘No’ is a complete sentence. 

Even if old programming around who or what you’re not allowed to say ‘No’ to (older people, people in positions of authority, family members etc.) has been dictating your choices up until now, you get to write the rules and you don't have to be bumped about by other people's needs, desires and beliefs.

You’re the authority figure in your life. You’re the adult, and that means that you don't have to say 'Yes' to any other adult if you don't want to. You're allowed to say no because as adults we all have responsibility for ourselves. Absolutely it can be challenging at the start to create those boundaries (with kindness, and compassion) and it’s also very worth it.

6. Prepare and practice

Any change will feel uncomfortable at first, because of its unfamiliarity, so it can be supportive to start your new practice of being generous with your ‘No’s and thrifty with your ‘Yes’s with small steps. 

Coming from a place of being tactful, gracious, and polite, start small and build up your confidence. Begin by saying ‘No’ to people that it feels easier to say this to - maybe with select colleagues or acquaintances, or with choices that feel less significant such as the evening movie choice, or what veggies to include at lunchtime, or what song on Spotify gets played. As you build your comfort level, you can start to say ‘No’ to slightly more challenging people, or around different kinds of requests.

It’s often a good idea to let people know in advance that you’ll be adjusting your approach to life and setting some boundaries that hadn’t been there before, in order to support yourself and your priorities. Remember, if they protest and don’t like it then that can be a fabulous insight into their value of you and your needs! Whatever they make your ‘No’ mean about you or them, then that’s their choice and their responsibility - you have no control over that and never did.

Here are some ways say ‘No’:

• No;

• No thank you;

• No thanks, I have other commitments;

• Apologies, I can’t make it / do that;

• It sounds great but I can’t commit / it’s not for me;

• I’d love to, but I can’t;

• Thanks for thinking of me - I can’t join you though;

• No, have fun though!

• It’s not a good idea for me;

• It’s not going to work for me;

• I’m sorry, I’m busy;

• I’m sorry, I’m not able to help.

• I can't help you right now, have you tried xxx?

• I can't do that right now. I can do it  xxx. Would you like to wait until then?

• Completely ignore it - see if they figure it out themselves. 

Enjoy building your ‘No’ muscle and remember that in every moment you get a choice of where you invest your time, energy and focus. Every time you make one of those choices you're investing into a future for you and your loved ones.You're also investing in your health and a commitment to getting great long term results after WLS. 

So, what future are you creating…?