Relationship Challenges

Relationship Challenges
With Amber Kay

In today’s video, Amber looks at how to do deal with relationship challenges after weight loss surgery.

By now you know that weight loss surgery can have an impact on every area of your life. One area of change that can be unexpected however is that of your relationship with others – your friends, family and colleagues. How are those around you coping with the changes they see in you – the physical, emotional and behavioural shifts that you’ve created? Have you been surprised by some reactions? And what do you say to people who don’t know that you have had the surgery who make comments to you? In this video we explore how to deal with relationship issues after your surgery so that you can start to create the life that you want   

Relationship Resource

You can download the resource on how to deal with difficult conversations here.

You can read the transcript for this video below:

Transcript: Post-Surgery Program - Week 9: Lifestyle (Relationships)

Do you struggle to know whether to tell people about your surgery?

And has weight loss surgery impacted upon some of your key relationships and created some challenges?

Hi, it’s Amber here and today I want to talk to you about how to deal with relationship challenges and changes after weight loss surgery.

The decision to have weight-loss surgery is by no means an easy one and afterwards the impact on your life is likely to be huge – not just in terms of the way your body will look and feel, how and what you eat, and your increased mobility but also in terms of your relationships with other people. Weight loss surgery, and the impact of it on your life is likely to affect how some of the people in your life treat you or behave towards you – from work colleagues, neighbours and friends who may notice and comment on how quickly you’re losing weight to close family members and spouses who may even feel resentful about the changes that are happening to you. 

Leaving familiar old ways behind can be uncomfortable and sometimes highly stressful. It can also be a huge opportunity for you to make a “fresh start” and today I’m going to look at how to handle some of those relationship challenges and changes so that you can start to create the new life that you want. 

Firstly let’s look at how to deal with comments from those people in your life that don’t know about your surgery – like workmates, neighbours or some friends and even family members. 

For many people, fears of being accused of “doing it the easy way” or cheating go hand in hand with the stigmatization of obesity in society. Many are brought up to believe that obesity is a choice and that overweight people are overindulgent, impulsive and lazy, and lack willpower, because of the mistaken belief that it’s a condition that’s easily changeable and controllable.

So, despite the first-hand, often painful, knowledge that this is an absolute myth, the sad fact is that many people who have had weight loss surgery buy into this belief and often feel shame that they may have taken the easy way out. So, here’s a question:

Does your journey so far feel like the easy way out?

Of course not. The weight-loss surgery journey is certainly one of the most difficult and profound changes in your life. So, here are some more questions:

What do you say when they say, “Wow, you've lost so much weight!” or, “You look great, how did you do it?” And, do you avoid the truth because you’re fearful of the way you may be perceived and judged?

How do you respond to other people’s questions and comments? How do you decide who to tell, or what to tell them?

It’s not easy to know how to respond to other people’s questions and comments. Your reply will probably depend on who asks the question, and your relationship to them and their attitude to you, and their need to know. 

But let’s be clear - you and only you have ownership of this knowledge and it’s your choice whether and how much you tell other people. 

So you might decide to tell people everything and that you made the difficult decision to have weight loss surgery and that you’re using this as a tool to create positive changes in your life. It’s also absolutely okay to keep this information private and to tell them about what you’re actually doing to reduce your weight and get healthier i.e. that you’re focusing on eating the right foods, eating less and moving more. It’s completely up to you and it’s completely your choice. There’s no right or wrong – it’s about what you feel comfortable with. 

Give yourself permission to let go of worrying about society’s views about how you’ve achieved the “New You”! You know that it was by no means an easy way out and you can feel proud of yourself for your determination and courage!

So what about your close relationships? As you change, your relationships with those closest to you are going to change as well. It’s just as much a challenge and adaptation for them as it is for you, and, in some ways, particularly for those closest to you, it can be a difficult journey.

Before having the surgery, many like you will have had some close ally who encouraged your decision and was constantly there for you. It can be particularly upsetting when that very person begins to change his or her attitude towards you as you become healthier, more mobile and more social! There seems to be, perhaps, an unconscious desire for you to put things back the way they were, with you playing the role in their lives that you used to play.

When you reduce your body weight and become more mobile and better able to socialize with others, those closest to you may feel threatened and may, unconsciously, say or do things in an attempt to re-establish old roles, routines and responses. They’re not deliberately trying to hurt you, they just want the “old you” back so that they can again feel safe, or, perhaps, superior. Admiring comments or looks from others can undermine confidence in partners, for example, in ways never anticipated.

All of us want to feel safe and loved and to know that we belong. So, wanting safety, reassurance and predictability during this transition is normal. It’s also worth remembering that you’re not the only one going through this or needing support and time.

You may have noticed, or you may notice in the future, that the principal others in your life are struggling or may be trying to sabotage your progress with comments about or insensitivity around food, or even with providing you with food that you know isn’t going to assist you to achieve your goals and stay on track. Just remember that sabotage (including self-sabotage) and jealousy are part of the natural human tendency to get back to what is familiar, or the world we know, because in that world we feel safe.

So, the message is: just as you need time, probably so do they!

Here are some of the significant relationships impacted by weight-loss surgery:

Partner/Spouse: This is the person with most at stake as a result of this major change in your life. Although it may seem strange, they’re losing a version of you that they may have been comfortable with. Perhaps your partner is struggling with their own weight and now feels abandoned and threatened by the compliments coming your way. Perhaps you’re rejoining life while he/she still sees themselves as a spectator.

If there’s trust and understanding between you, your partner will adjust as you do, though this can be a difficult time for the relationship.

 

Siblings: This can be a tricky relationship to adjust, particularly if excess weight is a theme in your family. You have probably shared so much time discussing food, weight, diets, etc., that a close sibling may feel abandoned or, perhaps, jealous of your success or all the positive attention or results that you’re getting. Again, reassurance and a sensitive approach can help to carefully reshape the relationship.

 

Friends: Some of your friends will simply lack knowledge about what you’re trying to do. You can choose to inform them and hopefully they’ll give you their support and respect if you give them time to adjust and don’t have any unreasonable expectations of them. If you do decide to share that you have had weight-loss surgery, it can help to educate them about it being a  ‘tool’ if their perception is that it’s a cure or ‘the easy way out’.

How can you minimise the potential damage to your relationships? As I mentioned earlier, your relationship with your spouse or partner can be most at risk when you change your life, bearing in mind, the new you and the attention that may come with this can be very threatening to him/her, particularly if there are already ‘cracks’ in the relationship before the surgery.

So, involve your loved-one in your journey. Work together by perhaps, sharing surgeon visits, dietitian visits, have walks together…and talk and reassure! If you both feel that it will help, maybe have some sessions with a relationship counsellor. 

Other relationships will survive if they’re able to adapt to the changes and are based upon genuine warmth, rather than the other person’s need for you to be overweight. If the latter is true then perhaps your role in each other’s lives has come to an end - it’s not the relationship that you want, because that is not you and that is not your role to play any more.

The most helpful approach is to talk honestly about your feelings using ‘I’ language eg. “I feel scared because I feel I’m losing your friendship”. This approach can open up honest conversations without blame or guilt.

I’ve put together a simple guide to help you to deal with difficult conversations in close relationships and you can download it using the link that comes with this video. This will give you proven strategies for effective communication. It will tell you what you need to do to prepare for the conversation, how to begin the conversation and how to behave yourself in that conversation to deal with defensiveness and to work towards addressing the underlying issues. 

So, be patient with others, stay gentle with your supporters and refer to our guide for difficult conversations. Time will move on, most difficulties will resolve themselves, and remember - it’s not about you - you don’t have control over how others choose to behave, feel or think! Be the best version of yourself and lead by example by showing the people around you how much you love and respect the “New You”. They can choose to follow, or not, in which case you have space for new relationships that are empowering and positive.