Stopping Self-Sabotage: Understanding Secondary Gain

Do you have a stubborn habit that keeps creeping back into your life, no matter how determined you are to stop it? Perhaps it’s snacking in the afternoon, procrastinating on important tasks, skipping movement, or even engaging in negative self-talk.

You know you don’t want to do it, yet somehow it keeps happening, leaving you frustrated and wondering why you can’t make lasting changes.

What’s going on is that even though consciously you don’t want to do these things, on an unconscious level, you’re in the grip of Secondary Gain. These habits continue to appear because, at some level, they're serving a purpose. Understanding that purpose is the key to changing them and replacing them with behaviours that truly support you, so let’s get into it.

What is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is the hidden benefit you get from a behaviour, even when it’s frustrating, unwanted, or self-sabotaging. At first, this might feel counterintuitive - why would we keep doing something that clearly doesn’t serve us?

The truth is that every behaviour, even the ones we dislike, meets a need or provides some form of benefit on an unconscious level, whether we’re aware of it or not.

If a behaviour keeps showing up in your life, it is doing something for you and you’re getting some sort of benefit or payoff from continuing to do it, otherwise you wouldn’t keep doing it. It might not be a benefit you consciously recognise, and it may even create discomfort or problems in other areas of your life, but at some level, it is fulfilling a purpose.

The unconscious benefit is outweighing the conscious cost.

Before we go any further, it’s important to highlight that this is not about blaming yourself or feeling guilty; it’s about understanding what is actually working for you at a deeper level, even if it doesn’t feel helpful on the surface.

Examples of Secondary Gain

For example, emotional eating may seem purely negative, but it can also provide:

• A sense of familiarity or comfort, giving you certainty or a feeling of control in uncertain times.

• A moment of connection with yourself, or a break from daily stress.

• Attention from others, or a way of expressing struggles.

• Variety in your day, or a small escape from responsibilities.

• Emotional protection, keeping you safe from risks like vulnerability or rejection.

Another common example is talking yourself out of doing something that’s healthy or good for you, like going for a walk or skipping a planned workout. On the surface, this appears to be self-sabotage, but opting out may give you several secondary gains as well, such as:

• Avoiding the possibility of failure or feeling self-conscious if you don’t perform well.

• Staying in a comfort zone and avoiding the discomfort of pushing yourself.

• Saving energy for other tasks, even if those tasks aren’t meaningful.

• Avoiding the risk of feeling judged by others if they notice you exercising.

• Maintaining a sense of certainty by sticking to familiar routines instead of creating new ones.

Every habit has its own set of potential payoffs, and they’re unique to you, so it's worth putting the effort into discovering what's really going on for you at a deeper level.

Understanding your secondary gains is empowering because it shifts the perspective from “Why can’t I follow through?” to “How is this working for me on some level?” and “What payoff am I getting, or what need am I meeting, that feels more important than stopping this behaviour right now?”

Once you identify the payoff, you can begin exploring other ways to meet that need without relying on the behaviour that’s holding you back. This stops the habit from being simply a problem to fix; it becomes a clue pointing to an unmet need or a hidden desire in your life.

How to Change Unwanted Behaviours

Once you understand the secondary gain behind a behaviour, you can begin to shift it, and the process is simpler than it first appears.

Step 1 – Identify the behaviour.
Call it behaviour ‘X’. This is the habit or pattern you want to change.

Step 2 – Discover the secondary gain.
Ask yourself: What benefit am I getting from this behaviour? What positive intention does it serve? Common gains include comfort, certainty, connection, attention, or avoidance of risk. Be curious and honest with yourself, and write down three or more possibilities, even if they seem silly or unexpected.

Step 3 – Accept the gain.
Acknowledge that this behaviour serves a purpose for you, and lean into gratitude for what it has been trying to give you, because a part of you thought you needed it. This is not about guilt—it’s about awareness. For example, your daily snack might give you a mental break, a boost of energy, and social connection all at once.

Step 4 – Brainstorm alternative ways to get the same gain.
Think about how you could achieve the same benefit without the old behaviour. What inner strengths or qualities could help you meet this need differently? For example:

• Going for a walk to give yourself a break, rather than snacking.

• Doing a short meditation to manage anxiety.

• Listening to music to reset your mood.

• Journaling to process your feelings.

Step 4 is about being open and creative, not about perfection, so explore all possibilities, even if they seem silly or unrealistic at first.

Step 5 – Commit to trying something different.
Decide which alternative behaviour or response you’re going to experiment with, and plan reminders or cues to support yourself. You might take an apple to work instead of visiting the vending machine, set a phone reminder, or enlist a friend for accountability.

Step 6 – Reinforce your new choices.
Every time you choose a new action over the old habit, make sure you acknowledge it and yourself. Give yourself a mental high-five, celebrate in a way that feels meaningful, or share your success with someone supportive. This reinforcement helps build new neural pathways, weaken the old ones, and strengthens your empowered behaviour.

Transforming Habits with Clarity and Compassion

When you approach your unwanted habits with curiosity rather than self-criticism and understand the concept of secondary gain, you'll gain clarity and choice over your actions. You'll no longer need to let old habits control your life; instead, you can consciously create behaviours that truly support your needs, values, and goals. By becoming aware of why you do what you do and exploring new ways to meet those needs, you place yourself in a position to create a completely different future - one that feels aligned, healthy, and full of self-compassion.